After getting back from the camp with the barrio kids, I wrote this email to my girlfriend. Sorry for the length, but that’s what happens when I really reflect on something. At the end is some of the encouragement she sent back.
Me:
You know how we often talk about mountaintop experiences and valley experiences? Well we did that, both literally and spiritually. Potrerillos was one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in my life. We did hiking and horseback riding and just sitting with a cup of coffee in a surreal backyard encased in ice watching the mountains, waiting til night to see a different set of stars, the milky way, and all sorts of sweet stuff. (Then the full moon rose and ruined the fun.) We were without technology, stuck in the mountains with people we love and playing cards and Bibles, an easy place to want to stay forever.
Lavalle, almost immediately afterward, was the opposite. Being a desert, it had it’s own beauty which was distinct from mountain in almost every way. Just about every plant wanted to kill you with 3 inch thorns. The sunset was the most beautiful I’ve ever seen, the colors going explicitly from a deep deep orange to yellow to green to aqua to blue. With almost no electricity
for miles, the stars we saw on the mountains couldn’t even compare. It was the darkest night I’ve possibly ever seen in my life. We lived in a house (the guys at least) that the res team last time poured concrete for, us 3 dudes sleeping by a fire we built which lost its flame halfway through the night so we got really really cold eventually. Stephen and i dug a 6’ poop
hole for someone’s soon-to-be bathroom. We made fires for homemade bread and gifted, slaughtered goats. We even had a bonfire with guitar awesome sesh.
During the day, we walked miles and miles on the roadless terrain for blisterful miles to visit families. Despite the below freezing nights, some of these families slept 15 people under a giant tarp, raising animals instead of making a living. The kids were scared for their lives from us,
and we had to convince them to take our stuffed animal gifts. The older boys and the family men would just just ride off on the family horse and pretend to do something. There was a 13 year old girl who was 9 months pregnant who was painfully and heartbreakingly ashamed and shy. We prayed for her and her family, but they didn’t seem to listen. Everyone who lives in this desert
lives there by choice, we were told, but it was hard to see those reasons. YWAM has been working, both with permanent missionaries, frequently visiting Mendocinos, and short term visiting teams from various countries, for probably a decade or two, with their ministry listed as a failure on paper. In these years they can claim only 3 changed lives for Christ. This morning in our devotional I started to tear up as i described the pain that it brings me to see all the work put into almost nothing.
The camp was something also very special. I had fears going in related to not working well with kids, not knowing how to talk to bullies (which most of them are), stuff like that. Turns out all you have to do is beat them up (futbol and rugby) and scare them and they’ll cling to you like kittens. I still suck at working with kids, don’t know how to handle people who don’t even pretend to care when important stuff comes up. But with a couple of them (prompted by discussion material), I got to know a bit of their future dreams and their fears related to them. Now I just cannot stand the fact that I’m leaving in 2 weeks, and might see them only a handful of times more, and then they’re back to not knowing who to confide in. It takes someone really investing in a relationship with them to make a difference, all this mission work, the construction, soup kitchen, vbs seems so futile in comparison (even though I know that God will use it for future
relationship building). Our camp should have been done months ago with our relationships growing from then on.
Today we dropped angeline off at the bus station for 14 hrs in bus to buenos aires and 14 hrs in plane back to the states. Now we’ve got two weeks left and we’re scrapping for projects, possibly gonna do some stuff around the church, which would be fun and good for the church, but i dunno, i wanna go back into the darkness of lavalle or getting to know these kids more,
whatever that means.
Missions is so much more complex than it seems. That’s the lesson I’ve learned. I was barfing some of this to my dad before we left for camp and he sent me a passage that encouraged me for the camp. It’s 2 Tim 1:6-12.
6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner.But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, 9 who has saved us and calledus to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointeda herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.
The idea of suffering (in spirit) and not being ashamed is what my mind is fixating to as I think about the fruitless work in lavalle and our inability to successfully follow up with these barrio kids. I dunno, I’m pretty sure you went through similar stuff in haiti, but i’m just having my mindset changed in regards to missions. It seems so much more futile but so much
more necessary. It’s a stupid argument but that’s what’s going on in my head. Really I’m just learning to trust God instead of make stuff happen by my power, but I suck at that. Missions is so much more than the works we do, but those very works are necessary as a catalyst and as a light in the darkness; it’s weird.
Maria:
I understand how painful that stuff is. I really do. But it is not your job to save these people. God sent you to Argentina, in 2011, for two months. I believe he wants this stuff to suck so that an uncontrollable fire will rage in your heart. So that you won’t let people or circumstances stand in between you and the souls that need to hear the message of Christ that you carry. So that your heart will forever hurt and long and fight for the kingdom of heaven, because you don’t belong here. We’re not at home here. Nobody is. We were created to worship and be in the presence of the living God, and you know that truth, and God is using you to communicate that truth whether or not you see it. The truth is, you don’t have to see these people come to Jesus and you don’t have to be the one leading them in the salvation prayer. You do have to say the words and show the love and be the incredible person God has given you the ability to be, show, and say. It’s out of your hands, and that sucks, but it would suck a lot worse if the salvation of human souls was up to you to accomplish in a few days. I want your heart to rage for more. I want you to burnnn inside when you see injustice. I want you to not be satisfied with a comfortable life, but to chase after a life that glorifies and screams the name of Jesucristo to people that God has equipped you to minister to. These experiences are building towards something, I promise. Being not okay is a good, good thing sometimes, and i see God doing very good things inside you.
10 months ago